


So Far Away

by ToraNine09 (TCMMKLA)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: AU in which its actually Locus who dies due to Unexplained Reasons, Alternate Season/Series 13, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mental Health Issues, Other, Season/Series 13 Spoilers, implied suicidal thoughts right at the end, the relationships are very vague interpret them however you like idc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23788627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TCMMKLA/pseuds/ToraNine09
Summary: «And the light you left remains but it’s so hard to stay when I have so much to say and you’re so far away.»‘Empty’ is an understatement for how Felix feels after losing Locus on Chorus, and ‘weirded out’ doesn’t exactly capture how Grif feels about finding the ex-merc singing his heart out.
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons, Felix | Isaac Gates & Dexter Grif, Felix | Isaac Gates/Locus | Samuel Ortez
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	So Far Away

**Author's Note:**

> Felix hasn’t processed the death of his partner properly but, shit, at least he can sing. Also Grif is awkward because Reasons. I bashed this out in a few hours because I was bored, ok.
> 
> I can’t think of a good name so I just... Used the name of the song that is responsible for this.
> 
> RvB S13 AU where Locus dies and Felix becomes a mopey little guitar playing shithead. This isn’t inherently shippy but Lolix is somewhat implied, with background, I guess. If you really squint you could maybe see the blurry outlines of Grif/Felix possibly potentially maybe??? Not intentionally, but feel free to take it and run, I won’t blame you.
> 
> Idk where this is set. Maybe Blood Gulch, maybe somewhere else. Dunno! Not that important. I also dunno why Grif is such an emo bastard in this either. I just like boys who can’t process their emotions. Sue me.
> 
> Songs referenced by this:  
> \- So Far Away, by Avenged Sevenfold  
> \- This Too Shall Pass, by Danny Schmidt

When Grif first hears familiar chords drifting out of the quiet little cave up in the rocks that he showed Simmons ages ago, he assumes the nerd stole one of his CDs to try and impress him the next time they end up wasting an afternoon mumbling lyrics at each other. As he gets closer, he realises actually that  _isn’t_ a CD. The guitar sounds like the cheap guitar he “borrowed” from Sarge to dick around on before it went missing weeks ago - where the B string is inexplicably nylon while the others are steel. Simmons is a nerd, and as much as he might want to impress Grif, he would get too stuck on which CD to go for and end up getting caught in the process - so that rules him out. Not to mention, whoever it is seems to already know the song intimately, and has a voice to match. So that rules out everyone that Grif can think of.

Grif didn’t expect it to be  _Felix_ sat focused on singing some random song from the 21st century. 

Holy _shit._

Felix stopped showing any kind of emotion the second Locus was killed. Absolutely no one failed to notice it. Everything about Felix just... Stopped. No slick tongue, no witty remarks; it all just fell away instantly. In the middle of whatever point Felix was trying to prove, he suddenly lost all reason to continue. After that, no one had the heart to kill him - even if he was still a murderer he wasn’t completely heartless, they supposed. In the moments following, Felix didn’t speak, nor did he move until he was physically pulled away by the soldiers. The first time he was seen without his helmet, it freaked multiple people out just how blank his expression was. Not vacant, but definitely not feeling. A perfect neutral. His voice stopped overflowing with pride, not that he spoke much anymore. Everyone wordlessly kept a gentle eye on him, worried that at any second he would completely break. He never did... At least, not in front of others.

«  It seems we’re so invincible, the truth is so cold. »

Reminded of the phrase “car crash in slow motion”, Grif knew he probably shouldn’t be witnessing this yet he just couldn’t bear to leave. He immediately recognised the raw tone in Felix’s voice as one of genuine origins. It had only been a minute, but he was already in two minds over being the only person to know exactly how fucked up Felix was over what happened.

The worst part is that Grif never had been one for conversations about feelings.

Instead he stands and watches as Felix’s voice starts to waver ever so slightly - just enough to confirm that Felix thinks he is alone and that he’s losing himself in thought the more he sings. Well, shit. That’s something Grif can relate to.

«  As soon as I’m done, I’ll be on my way... »

...

Felix’s train of thought plows straight into the horizon as he starts to realise what he’s trying to tell himself by singing the same fucking song every goddamn day.

«  And the light you left remains but it’s so hard to stay,

when I have so much to say and you’re so far away... »

It really hits him when the penultimate chorus clears his throat. He bores holes into the distant sky as his shoulders drop and he starts autopiloting through the acoustic solo, trying and failing to ignore every thought crossing his mind. For the first time ever, his eyes actually fucking sting. He starts to acknowledge that, perhaps, bottling your feelings up is a stupid idea when you currently have no sense of stability.

He shuts his eyes, draws a deep breath, and decides that right now he needs to do something before he fucking explodes.

«  I love you, you were ready,

the pain is strong and urges rise, »

He hasn’t sung so emphatically in  _years._

«  But I’ll see you, when He lets me,

your pain is gone, your hands untied , »

Felix ignores the fact that he can hear the lower octave suddenly - his brain is filling in for Sam because he is highly emotional right now and  _Jesus Christ_ this song is really hitting hard, what the _fuck_? His voice is threatening to give out but Felix is beyond caring.

«  So far away, »

The fact that the harmony isn’t following how Sam used to sing it doesn’t flip any switches in Felix’s head until he’s a beat behind on drawing another breath in — «  and I need you to know, » — The moment he clocks that  someone else is singing with him and the harmony is actually _definitely_ n _ot just his shitty coping method,_ Felix is suddenly back in the real world with tears dangerously close to falling. The last few words just kinda tumble out of his mouth as the emotional fallout settles in his head.

«  So far away... And I need you to — need you to know... »

...

It takes several seconds, but Grif is the first to move; awkwardly shifting to sit within Felix’s line of sight without actually sitting next to him. Felix tries to string words together but he can’t tell if he’s ashamed of himself and wants to yell at Grif to leave, or if he’s appreciative of the detached form of support he just received.

They instead sit in silence, both opting to stare out over the expanse in mutual acknowledgement of their weirdly similar attachment to the song. Felix’s brain tries to fire up again - just to find any kind of response - but Grif beats him to it.

“I won’t if you don’t.”

Felix’s eyes dart over to the corner of his vision before he musters a pathetic “...Thanks.” He’s pretty sure he also catches a sympathetic wince from the Red. 

Another eternity passes before Grif tries a second time to do the whole ‘Emotions’ thing. “I didn’t know you, uh... Played guitar..?”, he tentatively offers. Felix, being an inch away from breaking apart completely, is only slightly capable of vocalising in response.

“Is that Sarge’s guitar?”

“... Might be.”

Grif juts out an arm without turning to face the merc, “I wondered where that went... Can I?”

Felix hazily obliges and passes the guitar to Grif, then shuts his eyes as hard as possible in an attempt to centre himself. He opens his eyes when he thinks he’s found a sentence to say, but Grif starts playing and... He’s  _ good_?  Glancing around to check that a horrid prank isn’t being played on him, he sees that the Red is actually playing the guitar. No one else is there, it’s just the two of them. Brows furrowed in concentration, Grif settles into the rhythm and starts singing. It’s not a song Felix knows, but it doesn’t take him long to figure out that Grif is maybe showing some kind of... Solidarity? 

«  There were words around the band that said ‘just know, this too, shall pass’... »

Felix has never had to relate to anyone else besides Locus in a long time; its hard for him to read someone in such a delicate context as this.

Grif, on the other hand, is miles away. He seems to have finished singing, but he just keeps playing the riff over and over. His eyes finally break away from the fretboard to look at the sky, unsure of what to say at this point. He doesn’t notice when he stopped playing, but its enough to prompt Felix to turn and face him properly. The two exchange looks of concern.

“I don’t normally do... Talking. about emotions and stuff,” Grif finally admits out loud.

“I’m not expecting you to. In fact, I specifically go this far away from everyone to avoid conversations of any kind, let alone...” Felix trails off, electing to ignore the growing chain of thoughts in his subconscious.

“I can leave if you want,” the Red suggests, “we can never speak of this again if that would help your, uh, thought process...”

The quick, dry laugh really unnerves Grif. “Nah, I think I need to start talking to someone before I off myself.” The bluntness of the statement does not help, and the almost imperceptible pause towards the end of the sentence sends uncomfortable prickles down the back of Grif’s hands.

“Dude, you might’ve been a piece of shit but, uh,” he starts, “y’know... We would’ve... At the tower... Shit, look, I’m really not the person for this conversation.” Grif forces himself to look away when he sees a hint of... something flicker across Felix’s face. “Maybe we could... Find Wash...?”

Another silence passes, this one far more uncomfortable. A deep sigh rattles from Felix’s chest before he mumbles a concession accompanied by an aggressive shrug.

“Okay. I’m just... Really sick of all this.”

“By ‘this’, you mean ‘life’.”

Felix doesn’t answer, instead choosing to push himself off the rock, and turning to face Grif with a half-assed gun-to-the-head gesture.

“Whatever, just get away from that edge. Now I’m actually concerned, and the last thing I want to be doing is explaining to Caboose why you suddenly appeared down there.”

**Author's Note:**

> Oh fuck wrapping this up was harder than I thought it would be. enjoy that shitty reference to actual Season 13 as a funny and heartwrenching closer!!1!1 This was emotionally taxing to write and now I have a gigantic headache. tell me that you dont headcanon felix’ singing voice as being something close to m shadows.


End file.
